


ashes, ashes

by neckbrace



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Enhanced Feeling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pain, Poetic Language, Pre-Fall of Overwatch, Sensitivity, Soldier Enhancement Program, resolved tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-29 20:38:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10861653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neckbrace/pseuds/neckbrace
Summary: Each round of injections breaks him with volcanic force. From the ashes, Gabriel finally reminds him how to feel human again.





	ashes, ashes

Tears of acid. His tears are burning, stinging rivers of fire. Tears that sear, sizzle, a self-catalyst. Eyes as volcanoes. As tears fall, others are urged out in their wake from the pain. A paradoxical relationship. When the reaction is also the reason.  
  
Jack winces at each breath. For every step that his tears slide down, each drop feels sharp, until he cannot bear to open his eyes. He squeezes them shut to negate the contact, though he cannot tell which is worse. The pain is blinding, in more ways than one. He sees white.  
  
Though, the fluorescent lights of the injection room hardly helped the sensation of being blinded. Jack assumed he had already felt the worst pain of his life the first time he was shot, thought that bullets climbed the highest peaks of pain, ripping through skin and muscle. Tearing through years of growth on impact. But each injection proved to him that he had barely scratched the surface of human feeling.  
  
"Now, what you are feeling is to be expected. The fourth round begins to target the nerves. In some subjects it is likely that they will miscommunicate and falsely send signals to your brain--"  
  
Jack does hear the doctors, though they're far away. He feels their looming presence surrounding him, observing him like watchtowers. Dark, towering figures, yellow lights. The voices echo and wane from miles off.  
  
"--may break new grounds with pain. Rest assured, every step is making you stronger than the last--"  
  
It's the same talk each and every time. That the pain is the trade off for inhuman strength. For the endurance, stamina and recovery that no man has ever reached. That which can only be engineered. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's the sacrifice. It's the deal. It's the contract.  
  
He signed a contract. He hadn’t felt any sense of purpose or fulfillment until he completed basic. After so much anticipation for when he would become something, when he would find his place in life. The feeling of being able to save a life, even once, was unbeatable. It was a step towards completion, towards making his family proud, and meaning something coming from a town that no one would recall the name of. A town where people only went out, never came in.  
  
When the program recruited at his base, it seemed fateful. Played up like a college tour. Meant to strike the chords of inspiration in those with that empty piece, and Jack was certainly missing something. The "Soldier Enhancement Program," though still emerging from experimental stages, was looking for those devoted enough to be the country's -- no, the world's-- greatest hope against the ever increasing “omnic threat.” Looking for those who truly wanted to become heroes. To take that superhuman concept into action.  
  
Jack felt like he had nothing to lose. The world was his oyster. If he had a shot to become something, to be made into something, he'd regret not taking that chance for the rest of his life. He told himself that he truly belonged in the military. The nagging feeling that it was the key to protecting his world from destruction.  
  
And he signed a contract. Before then, he might have told himself again there was nothing to lose. But, of everything, he hadn't really anticipated to lose his life with a series of signatures. Sure, he'd thought about it a lot while in training. That when the time came, when war erupted, his life was on the line. But he hadn't expected it here, writhing in a chair, with notes on clipboards getting scribbled around him. With wide, cold, methodical eyes evaluating his pain through detachment. With scripted words of hope that sounded false the fourth time around.  
  
"--could reach a level beyond your current tolerance, may result in periodical blackouts--"  
  
Silence. Cold, dead mountain. The towers vanished. An empty ravine at night. The heavy silence of chilling, quiet air. Lava becomes ash. Nothing.  
  
He was abyss.

Abyss became everything he knew, and all that once was.

  
When consciousness rushed back to him, his eyes felt glued shut. Heavy with weight, afraid of what waves of pain could catalyze. A noise escapes him, echoes through his lungs, over the mountain of burden, a dormant volcano.  
  
It catches the attention of someone near him. "Jack?" it echoes, reaching out. He feels relieved at the human familiarity of it. At the empathy, genuine care, without an ounce of distant methodical observation. "Jack?"

He tries to answer, to call back from his isolation. He is watching himself. He's yelling, opening his mouth wide, forcing his throat to make words, make anything. Though it's as if he's underwater, and not a sound escapes him. He forces and forces, straining his voice in between realms of consciousness, until he can breathe out again, a defeated groan that chases after his breath, still barely audible.

In his empty plane, distorted reality of vast mountains and snow, he suddenly feels the sensation of warm fingers pressing against his throat, against the side of his neck, careful yet determined. It grounds him into his body, to his intended state of mind, the feeling of any physical sensation other than raw, unforgiving pain.

They press, then stop, as if counting. Checking on him. They return periodically, sometimes moving to his forehead. Each press reminds him of his flesh and bone. Of his blood, his tears.

Of his contract.

His eyes push open, breaching the layers of ash, ruins of a pyroclastic flow. Though, he still cannot open them too wide. He squints at his immediate surroundings. It's another looming figure, but absent are the fluorescent spotlights. It's dim, pale moonlight through shutters. Soft concrete replaces harsh tile. Moon replaces sun.

“Jack,” the same voice urges, though now it seems more relieved, less heavy. He no longer feels miles away, from the pit of a ravine. He feels closer, quiet, safe.

His eyes struggle to relax, struggle to focus as he grounds himself back into his world. His reality. There is an enveloping comfort, seeping warmth after what seems like a lifetime of cold desolation. He feels home.

The first thing he can visually piece together is a smile. The doctors never smile. He feels a rush of familiarity, his own lips unable to resist the urge to curl up at the sides to match, something he hasn't felt in quite a while. The smiles takes him over. He feels his spirit lift, feels his heart warm up and begin to pulse life back through his veins again.

He recognizes the face. The man that shares his living quarters at the program, who is often what grounds him back into reality. He is leaning over him like the doctors, but not observing for statistics, it’s with genuine care and distress. It's Gabriel, Gabriel Reyes.

“Gabriel,” he’s finally able to answer back, sounding completely winded. Gabriel smiles wider, though his eyes still feel cautious, searching for signs of life.

“Jack, shit, you okay? You feel pain?” he prods, perched over Jack’s lying form. Jack gathers that they're on his shitty tiny bed, against the opposite wall of Gabriel's, where the soft light can seep through the shutters. They don't open very wide, leaving any peek of light feeling like a gift.

Jack tries to assess his pain. He can open his eyes again, at least. There's no stinging, no fire. Just a distant burn, the remnants of magma in his bones.

“Um, not, urgent or anything,” he gets out, though he hasn't tried moving any muscles outside of his face yet. Who's telling how his body will react anymore.

“Alright, okay, good. That's good. That last round was rough. Wrecked the whole squad. I don't know about you but, I definitely brushed with death for a moment there,” Gabriel stammers, clearly still panicked and searching for words. It was rare to see him flustered, usually the epitome of collection and short, confident words.

“I recovered yesterday. You were still out cold, and since we lost one this round already, I, I wasn't. Sure what course of action to take. The docs are swamped right now. No one's in, uh, tip-top shape after that.”

He pauses, searching Jack's eyes again and finding the light of life he had been yearning to see again for hours and hours. Gabriel's smile returns, though it's bittersweet, a poignant flicker in his eyes.

“I'm just, so glad you're alive. Y’know,” Gabriel admits, shaking a little. “Couldn't really think about the alternative.”

Jack feels ignited by his voice, his words curling around him like steam, warming him up and seeping life back into him. “Thanks,” is all Jack can muster, though he wants so much to tell Gabriel what he's feeling, to put into words how he reminds him what it means to be human. But even when he is fully grounded in reality, he's never sure how to really talk to him about that.

He tries to pull the pieces of himself together, to find the strings that pull his limbs into motion again. He thinks about his fingers, remembering how to bend each one, starting from the pinky. It hurts, for sure, but he's moving. He feels motivated to find words again, with Gabriel so uncharacteristically open. “Really, I--”

“Hey, hey, don't force yourself. Can you move your neck?” Gabriel interrupts, hovering his hands at the side of Jack’s head. “I hear most of the cases right now are related to the neck and spine. Nerves and all that.”

Jack collects himself, taking a deep breath before attempting to tilt his head. It's true, the connection feels different in a way he can't place. There's a delay in his movement, his response being rerouted. But he presses on, setting a goal of having Gabriel’s waiting hand against his face, to feel that warmth and contact rekindling his nerves. He wanted to be touched like never before, just wanted contact to remind him that his body was all in one piece.

When cheek meets calloused palm, Jack lets out tension through a breath, like his cells are reactivating. He eases into the touch, shutting his eyes again and focusing on the contact. Gabriel is still shaking.

“You feel dead,” Gabriel states, trying to keep his palm steady on Jack’s face.

“I feel dead,” Jack echoes. He squints an eye open.

Gabriel is silent, though Jack can feel the force of his thoughts, can see them flicker in his eyes. He’s both deadly focused on the touch and looking right through him. The months they’ve been in close quarters have helped him begin to read his expressions, gradually. He’s harder to read than anyone he’s ever met before. He broods in his thoughts more than anyone Jack has ever met before.  
  
Jack loved to watch him think. His energy felt so powerful sometimes that Jack swore he’d be able to read his thoughts if he looked long enough. It started as a passive curiosity, wondering what the hell he was thinking about so hard. Watching how Gabriel occupied himself with something but was somewhere else entirely. The intent and focus of his eyes was mesmerizing. As days went on, what started off as glances turned to stares, sometimes even zoning out watching him. Sometimes observing became admiring faster than he’d like to admit.

Though as observant as Gabriel was, it seemed like he never really caught him looking. He tried his best to not avoid eye contact when it happened, but sometimes his gaze was so powerful it would ignite fires in his gut, light a fuse that burned all the way up his spine like he was a goddamn firecracker. Sometimes that shifted, empty piece inside of him would slide into place when their eyes met. When Jack knew he was looking not through him, but at him.

“Well, you’re not,” Gabriel finally responds, absently rubbing his thumb on the side of Jack’s cheek. Jack was scared to move, for some new pain to rear its vicious head, especially when he finally, finally felt even an ounce of comfort.

Jack opens both his eyes again, looking up to get a better view of him. The slow, repetitive tracing pattern of his thumb on his cheek becomes almost intoxicating as he lights up the nerves that felt had previously felt dead and buried, silent. He lets another breath flow through him. He feels his breath on Gabriel’s palm.

 _Click_. Their eyes meet, directly, completely. A shiver crawls through his body.

He knows Gabriel is looking at him, focusing on him, thinking about him, even. It’s too much, but he can’t look away. He’s magnetic.

The strokes of Gabriel’s thumb move up his cheek, nearing his eye, awakening his senses again. Reminding him that he can feel things this nice, this peaceful. This alive. Though they began as passive, occupied touches, he can feel them with more intent, more decisive action. Jack isn’t sure what to do, or where to look, but he eyes can’t leave Gabriel’s when he’s looking right at him, into him, like this.  
  
He’s afraid to speak, afraid that he might stop. His fingertip brushes his eyelashes, tickling, rubbing down his cheek fully. Gabriel’s gaze feels more raw, more open than ever. Though he feels like Gabriel’s recalibrating his cells, each increasing touch feels more dreamlike. Unreal, while he gets grounded into reality and remembers how to really feel again.

Jack’s body is heating up, energy boiling in his gut. He feels the blood flowing through his veins again. His breathing gets heavier, harder to ignore. Heartbeat moves up to his throat. He didn’t know that he needed this so bad. Constantly pushing down the impulse before he could evaluate it.

Gabriel must be able to tell. As his desire to be touched gets more and more unabashed. His fingers keep moving, drifting across the planes of his face until they bump the corner of his mouth, making Jack inhale sharply through his nose.

He's not sure if it was intentional or not, but Jack's mind is racing. When he feels Gabriel's fingers at his lips again, he thinks maybe it wasn't an accident. At every pass, he seems to be gauging Jack's reaction, treading lightly as he looks down on him like a fucking guardian angel. Looking after him on the edge of death, Gabriel might as well be.

With Jack's soft, tentative, encouraging breaths, urging Gabriel to keep touching, his fingers drift to the gap between his lips, pressing lightly until Jack is breathing on his fingers. With gently shaking hands, he starts to gradually edge past his lips, fingertips hitting teeth. Jack opens his mouth without thinking about it, when every other motion seemed to require such an active effort.

Nothing else matters from that point on. They're alone. Gabriel's fingers are in his mouth and he can't focus on any other damn thing if he tried. His head is screaming, skin lighting up with blush, a feeling he can't hide. Fingers tenderly, tastefully meet the inside of his cheek, then the side of his tongue. Jack can't stop the groan that bounces out of his throat, vibrating against Gabriel's fingers. Fuck.

Gabriel parts his lips as if he's about to say something, then shuts again. Then, shyly, softly, “...Are you sensitive?”

Jack can't even think about how to answer that, even if he didn't have fingers in his mouth. The blush washes over his face completely, and he gives a tiny nod.

“I, uh…” Gabriel pauses again, visibly becoming flustered, making Jack's head spin. “Me too. After that. The injections.”

Jack full-body shivers again, thinking about Gabriel feeling the same sensations he does right now. Like he had been dead until now. Like he had never known feeling.

“Even this,” he continues, dipping his fingers ever so slightly lower as indication. “For me, I--”

Jack, overcome with feeling, closes his lips around Gabriel's fingers, rubbing his tongue flat against them. Desperate for Gabriel to feel something. Wanting to forget the trauma, the pain, the contract. Just alone, unspoken, riding through the same sensations. They've done it before. Mutually experiencing the new pain, side effects, the long nights of nausea, alternating making sure the other is still alive. Treading new ground of sensation together. But it had all been misery, pain. Right now, the transition to pleasure felt seamless. Fateful.

Gabriel breathes out in surprise, the wind sucked out of him. His eyes still trained on Jack’s, in awe. “Shit,” he whispers, a private volume, in their isolated realm. Secrets just for each other. “God, Jack.”

His breath is fuel. It's gasoline flowing to the lit match in his core. Burning softly but fervently until the reaction explodes through his veins. Single flame into wildfire. It edges him on, lips dragging against skin with agonizing release. Knowing that Gabriel is feeling the same sensation enhances it more, until contact is burning.

And, looking into his eyes, it dawns on him that he can read their thoughts, finally decrypt the message. It's a mirror of feeling. It's a reflection of himself, his sensation, his desire. He finally knows what Gabriel is feeling, thinking, at this very moment. 

It's almost too much, for both of them. So many racing thoughts and feelings that it turns to white noise, silence again.

Gabriel slowly pulls his fingers back, still mesmerized. Jack didn't even realize how hard he was sucking until he heard the distinctive pop of them leaving his lips. They're both panting, breathless. Letting out smoke. Jack wants to speak but doesn't know how. Fire roars and crackles in his ears. Back again is the magma blood, but it burns as pleasure, as passion. No more pain. He's not afraid to move anymore.

He moves. He lifts his arm up to Gabriel’s neck, dipping fingers under the hem of his tight shirt. His pulse drums against Jack's touch. It's nearly in sync with his own. Curiously, Jack runs his fingertips along the side of Gabriel's neck, feeling his arteries pulsing with magma. Gabriel hangs his head with a moan through his teeth. The idle thought of how Gabriel's teeth would feel on his skin passes by.

“Jack…” he groans through his name again, eyes shut as his head faces the floor. His fingers dance along his neck, up to the start of his strong jaw and back again. Gabriel’s arms are shaking. The arms supporting his propped-up stance leaning over Jack begin to waver, succumb to the overwhelming rush of contact. Gabriel lowers, his face hitting Jack’s chest. He lets out another moan, defeated, completely wrapped up in the feeling. It’s hypnotizing, making Gabriel feel so much so effortlessly. He slows the pace a bit, just enjoying the feeling of their bodies together, finally able to feel his heartbeat against his own. Then he feels the vibration of his voice, catching him off guard. “I was so scared.”

Gabriel’s voice is muffled a bit into Jack’s shirt, but the heavy, open words resound through his chest. “I was so scared, Jack. They don’t have the resources to help us. They would have left you to die.”

Jack’s stroke stops completely as he listens to him. “When it hit me that I was the only one that could watch over you during this, that could save you. It was hard. I haven’t even slept since consciousness came back to me. If something had happened to you, if I had the chance to save your life while I was fucking sleeping, I’d live with that for the rest of my life.”

Gabriel lifts his head slightly, eyes peeking up at him. “I know we’re just numbers to them. Expendable. But you…” he trails off, taking in Jack’s features, so grateful to see him animated with life again. “When I was watching over you, I just, realized I couldn’t lose you. That I would fight for you. I would fight against the day that they replace you with another number just because they pushed you too far." His voice cracked and wavered a bit, something Jack had never heard before. “Look, I know death is part of the job. I came to terms with my own before I even signed up for this fucking chemical circus. But knowing that they’d kill you to make you stronger, God. Makes me so furious. Tears me apart.”

“Gabe,” the nickname slips out of Jack’s lips fluidly, moving a hand to his cheek again. “I… I owe you so m--”  
  
“You don’t owe me shit, God, don’t fucking say that. Looking out for your life is the… least I could do. Especially when no one else is looking out for us,” Gabriel interrupts, then eases back into his soft smile.  “Nice to finally tell you that.”

Jack softly traces Gabriel’s jawline with his knuckles. “I, uh, would die for you too. I mean, no-- I know the point was you don't want me to die. I-- I'm trying to say I value you above anything else. I haven't wanted to confront that yet. I didn't want to get hurt. I always felt like if I told you I couldn't survive without you that life would find some way to take you. If that makes sense.”

“You thought I was gonna like, fly away?” Gabriel teases, mirroring Jack's touch on his blushing cheeks. “You sure turn red fast.”  
  
“I mean, with you basically being my guardian angel and all, who fuckin’ knows,” Jack laughs softly, nervously. Leans into the touch on his cheek. “Seems likely enough that you’d fade away as fast as you appeared.”

Their eyes meet with intent again, and Jack pulls him down, closer. “Y’know, like a dream. Felt like I could wake up and still have all the bad shit but not you.” Jack traces the contour of Gabriel's face, feeling the burning rise from his chest again. “Fuck, am I dreaming?”

“I haven't slept in so long, I probably am,” Gabriel answers, moving his other hand to Jack's face. He shivers, having his head cupped in Gabriel's hands, his fiery gaze boring deep into him. Melting through his defenses. “But then again, dreams don't usually have this much restraint.”

“You think this is real, then?” Jack asks tentatively, with his other hand moving to Gabriel’s chest.  
  
“Wanna find out?”

 The words strike Jack deep, setting him aflame once again. He’s thought about it a lot, being able to touch Gabriel like this. Being able to really look into his eyes with intent and passion. Being the focus of his thoughts. But now that it was reality, with that toothy smirk all for him, he was frozen. Melting. Completely mesmerized. Felt like he would choke on any words he attempted to get out.

So he moved first. Pulled himself towards Gabriel, tilting his head a bit before pressing their lips together. Tentatively at first, terrified. Smoldering insides, magma churning. Waiting for reaction. Then it all slid together. Perfectly in place. Feeling that missing piece complete again, not realizing how burdeningly empty and void everything felt up until now. Gabriel clutches the sides of his face tighter, pushing back against him with equal force. Electricity and fire, overwhelming contact.

They crash against Jack’s mattress like a breaking wave. He hears the cheap old metal bed frame squeak under the pressure, distantly wondering if it would snap beneath them. The jolt to his spine every time their lips moved against each other was agonizing, yet the polar opposite of his reaction to the injections. Same intensity, same overwhelming rush of feeling that he had yet to experience. But no pain. The fervor and unrelenting energy of a fire, with no burning.

Jack breaks apart for a second, looking up to catch his breath. Gabriel is panting, starry-eyed, gorgeous. “Shit.”

“You’re so…” Gabriel trails off, breathless, touching Jack’s face. “I've wanted this. I've thought about it a lot before. But never fucking thought it would feel this good.”

Jack nods, hooking his legs around Gabriel's thighs. “Me, too.”  
  
“I've seen you staring before, y’know. Drove me crazy, Jack. I'd pretend like I didn't know so you'd do it more,” Gabriel dips down to his neck, talking in hot breaths against his skin. “God, I just wanted to push you down like this. Make you turn red.”  
  
Jack tilts his head back to give Gabriel better access. “Fuck. That’s cruel. I thought you were trying to avoid my death.”  
  
Gabriel grins against his skin, knowing how much Jack wants to be bitten. “You’re right,” he drags his teeth up his neck. “I like this a lot better anyway.”

“Gabe…” Jack groans, visibly flustered. He nudges Gabriel’s jaw with his shoulder, encouraging him to keep going. Every breath against his neck makes his head spin, heart race. Blinded by the desperation of wanting contact, stimulation, anything. Blazing desire. His body begged him for it, the need to move again and awaken new sensations. It was the first time he truly began to feel like the injections were changing him, rerouting his system. “Please.”  
  
“It burns, yeah? Body’s screaming to let it feel something,” Gabriel teases, keeping a tiny, agonizing distance from his skin. “I know. I feel it too. They want us to expend that energy on fighting. Training. But, damn.”  
  
Gabriel bites down gently, smirking when he hears Jack try to hold back his moan, then runs his lips up to his jaw. “I want this so bad.”  
  
“I wanted this before I felt like I was on fire all the time,” Jack admits through his teeth.

“Well, duh, me too,” Gabriel answers. His hands run through Jack’s hair, trailing kisses up to his cheeks. “Feels like you’re a part of me. I just want to fuckin’ absorb you or something.”  
  
“That’d be nice. We’d definitely be a super soldier then,” Jack swoons as Gabriel touches him like he’s priceless. “Unstoppable.”  
  
“You already make me feel unstoppable,” Gabriel responds. Jack hooks his fingers under the hem of his collar, turning his head back to look at him.

“God, just kiss me or something, please. You’re too much,” He begs. He pulls Gabriel down with his legs, urging his body against his own.

Gabriel does, with confidence and fire. Like he knows exactly what Jack wants. They feel more on the same wavelength than ever, recalibrating together. Physically feeling the same sensations. A step away from a single united entity. It’s a reawakening. Like the first day of their lives.  
  
Jack arches up, rolling their hips together. They both pull back to gasp for breath at the contact. “If… if I can rediscover life again, with you. It makes every brush with death worth it. If you can help me remember that I’m still human, more human than ever. I’d do it a thousand times. You make me stronger. You make me my best self. A more optimized man than they could ever engineer."

“And you said I was too much,” Gabriel teases, caressing his cheek. “But hey, me too. I mean it. I’ll ride to hell if you’re sitting next to me, Jack.”  
  
“I love you,” Jack blurts out. “I have, for a while. You’re my anchor.”  
  
For a second, Gabriel is like a deer in headlights, just watching Jack’s face in awe. They’ve never been so open, and it’s spilling out at once, his heart overflowing. He smiles wide, making Jack’s heart melt. “Me too, Jack. I love you, too.”

After all the doubt, the emptiness, Jack knew he finally felt the completion he had been seeking. He knew that there was purpose and meaning in his life. The capability to be stronger than ever. For every crash and burn to come, he knew that he could recover. Knew that together they could pick each other up when no one else will. Every volcano would become a mountain. Each time he was consumed by the magma, the searing, relentless pain, there would always be silence and peace again. Ash would always fall. They would break out of it again, always. And in this cycle of ashes to ashes, pleasure to pain, there was no one else he’d rather fall with.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, i haven't written fic or really written for myself at all for over five years, so this is a plunge i'm very shy about. i've got a lot to say about these two and wanted to start to get it out. hope my writing isn't too self-indulgent or overly metaphorical. especially sorry for my endless, cascading clauses. bad habit.
> 
> ((not sure if this is done by the way? doesn't feel completely conclusive to me but i feel like i could write them forever))


End file.
